Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
This page is dedicated to one of the greatest treasures I've come across in the realm of human relationships: NVC, a tool for which I am eternally grateful to Marshall Rosenberg for the relief it has brought and continues to bring to conflicts I experience with people… People can be so annoying, can't they?
An Upside-Down Introduction to NVC
It may sound like a paradox, but the best way I've found to start sharing this process that has changed my life is to admit that it has a terrible name. On this page, I plan to introduce the process known as NVC (short for "Nonviolent Communication") in a way that may seem upside-down compared with standard presentations.Nonviolent = Violent
Why do I find "Nonviolent Communication" to be a terrible name? First, the very act of promoting a process called "nonviolent communication" can be perceived as violent, because it says "You are violent, you need this process". Second, when they see the words "nonviolent communication", a number of people tell themselves something like this: "I don't speak violently... I don't shout... I rarely raise my voice... I don't use swear words, nor do I insult people. This tool is for violent people, not for me". So opportunities are missed. This saddens me, because I feel a great need for NVC to spread widely and deeply throughout the world. It has changed my life, and I know with absolute certainty that it can bring relief, peace and joy to countless people who now suffer.The problem with the name is not that the words "nonviolent communication" misrepresent what the process does. NVC is not violent—that is true. The problem is that we (myself included) often do not recognize the underlying violence in much of our communication, so that when we see the word "nonviolent", we do not feel it holds anything for us.
Compassionate Communication—Empathic Speak
Instead of nonviolent communitation, some people use the words "compassionate communication". Is that a better name? Not necessarily. Some people on a spiritual path may think "I'm already compassionate, I don't have anything to learn here". Others may recognize the word "compassionate" as one used in spiritual or "new age" circles and turn away because compassion sounds too fluffy for them.At the moment, I am trying out the words "empathic speak" when talking about NVC. But I don't claim that this is the ideal name for the process. After all, like for compassion, some people may be turned away by the word "empathy", or feel that they already know everything about empathy.
Insofar as NVC's inappropriate name opens an effective backdoor into the topic, it may be appropriately named after all...
Sweet language can be violent
I said above that we (and I count myself in) often do not recognize the violence in our own speech. If we neither shout nor insult people, how is standard communication violent? In nearly as many ways as we know how to arrange words, it turns out. For me, seeing the violence in our supposedly nonviolent language is a great introduction to nonviolent communication. In these examples, A says the "sweet words" to B, and B explains why he or she heard violence.A: I need to talk with you. When you said XYZ, you really hurt me...
B: You have just accused me of hurting you, so now I'm on the defensive because I'm a bad person.
A: I understand... I know how you feel...
B: This sounds nice, but when you say it I might hear you saying "You don't need to talk because I already understand you, I'm not really listening, shut up already". When you tell me that you know, it makes me feel that my attempts to talk to you are wasted because I cannot overcome your idea that you know (when maybe you don't) so that I cannot connect. And perhaps my greatest need is to vent, and I cannot do that because when you say "I know" I hear "shut up".
A: I would really appreciate if you would do XYZ for me.
B: When you make a request in this way, I may feel angry, because you have not taken my needs into account and I feel somewhat forced. Even though I would love to do something for you, this request may conflict with my present priorities and schedule.
I will add examples soon (starting this page February 2010). This page is a work in progress.
(The following serves as a placeholder to remind me of upcoming content: The source of violent behavior. No need to be an expert. Written NVC. NVC on the path.)
Links
The Wikipedia article on NVC has a few links and references.Wishing you a beautiful day,
Smiles,
Andy
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